


Only for You

by lcstmercury



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky is Bitter, Captain America: The First Avenger, Drabble, Heavy Angst, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hydra (Marvel), Implied/Referenced Torture, Internalized Homophobia, Love Triangles, M/M, Mental Breakdown, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Sickness, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:47:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24398239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lcstmercury/pseuds/lcstmercury
Summary: Bucky felt his chest tighten when Steve reappeared, that comforting reassurance that came with his presence easing off just a little of the negative emotions clouding his mind. But when Carter walked in, and Steve's eyes lit up with her presence, Bucky felt that warmth dissipate in seconds. The way he smiled at her, the way he didn't take her eyes off her as she spoke… The way that they both had words for nobody other than each other. It made the insides of his stomach turn cold with envy, and he looked away as they courted. God knows he didn't need to be present, seeing as Steve could evidently handle himself thanks to his new body.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Kudos: 37





	Only for You

Steve's name on his tongue carried him through the weeks of torture. Injections, drugs, starvation and degradation. Bucky's legs were seized up and cramping from lack of movement, or exhausted from lashing out against the restraints. Steve wasn't able to help him; not from the other side of the world. And what would skinny Steve do against the armed soldiers, Steve who had never won a fight in his life, Steve who Bucky left behind in Brooklyn to fight for the rest of the country despite fighting his own mind. Bruises were left carelessly on his paled skin, mottled purple blending in almost seamlessly with the dirt and sweat that he hadn't been able to wash away in so long. There was blood on his face, dried around his ears from where his cold sweat washed it down his cheeks. Bucky had no option but to lay there and take what was given to him, waiting to be put out of his misery. The regret of never saying a proper goodbye to Stevie the night they went dancing, of not being able to give him one now. Bucky wasn't a fool; he knew there was no way out of this. The Nazis had taken him to some special lab, with technology far beyond what anyone had ever seen in their lives. This weaponry and scientific equipment would make Howard Stark's jaw drop to the floor. For the first time, Bucky genuinely thought they'd lose the war. If this technology was available to Nazis worldwide, they had no hope against them. And that thought was what terrified him most.

When he heard explosions and gunfire, Bucky closed his eyes. Eventually the building would come down, he thought, and it would take him down with it into nothing more than a pile of rubble. Something that was once before, but no longer stood. Bucky was kind of okay with it, now. He'd had plenty of time to accept his fate, after all. The stuff they were pumping into him simply diminished what little energy he had, and if the building coming down didn't kill him he was sure that stuff would. His arms were littered with puncture wounds, scabs blackened and tender to touch.

Bucky embraced the hallucination when Steve's image swam in front of his eyes, a small smile ghosting on his lips. "Stevie…" He simply murmured softly, voice hoarse and broken from the screaming. There was movement around him and the straps were loosened, but still Bucky didn't move.

"Oh my god…" He heard Steve say, and yep, that was his Steve. Bucky's eyes crinkled when he smiled, and he allowed himself to be pulled up into a sitting position. "I thought you were dead."

Bucky frowned at the sentence, before he took it in. Steve was really here? Then he noticed the way Steve's head was much higher up than he remembered, and he got to his feet unsteadily, feeling strong arms holding him firmly. "I thought you were smaller." He simply said in response, his eyes trailing up and down Steve's figure. Something didn't feel right, because his Stevie was always small; pale, skinny. Nervous. This Steve was holding him with strong arms, his grip unfaltered and expression hard. This was a different man?

Bucky fired questions at him all night, from escaping the base to arriving back at the main camp the next day. His body was aching and he was barely able to stand up straight, but he noticed the bruises were fading. Where angry purple used to mark his arms, only pink blemishes remained. When Steve's face changed as he laid eyes on a woman, pretty, brunette, Bucky felt his stomach hurt worse than it had at the other base. He smiled at Steve as he was applauded, as he was celebrated for his heroism. But when Steve looked back to Peggy, the smile dropped from his lips and his eyes moved to the floor.

The day was spent mostly in bed, vomiting until the majority of the stuff pumped into him was mostly flushed out of his system. It was a fucking rough day; but thankfully, once he'd managed to keep down some potatoes, Bucky was rationed some meat and managed to have his first proper meal in weeks. He was grateful for the food in his stomach, but it did little to fill the void that had nothing to do with hunger.

It was the rest of the 107th's idea to go out a couple of nights later. Bucky felt considerably better and agreed to head out with the rest of them, Steve included. They were speaking about forming a team to storm the HYDRA bases Steve had memorised, when Bucky headed to the bar to get himself some drinks. Seeing as he wasn't sure when he'd get another, and he was lucky enough to even be alive still, it seemed like he'd earned it. Bucky felt his chest tighten when Steve reappeared, that comforting reassurance that came with his presence easing off just a little of the negative emotions clouding his mind. But when Carter walked in, and Steve's eyes lit up with her presence, Bucky felt that warmth dissipate in seconds. The way he smiled at her, the way he didn't take her eyes off her as she spoke… The way that they both had words for nobody other than each other. It made the insides of his stomach turn cold with envy, and he looked away as they courted. God knows he didn't need to be present, seeing as Steve could evidently handle himself thanks to his new body. They didn't talk much more that night, Bucky putting more effort into chugging back as much alcohol as his body would physically allow in order to just numb that pain blossoming from his stomach up into his rib cage. Steve, it appeared, couldn't get drunk with his enhancements from the serum. _Whoopie for him_. So Bucky just felt his watchful eyes on him as he knocked back glass after glass of rum, before throwing off Steve's hand as he placed it on his back just as he said "I think you've had enough."

"Bullshit, Steve. I nearly fucking died."

"You _will_ die of alcohol poisoning if you keep this up. What the hell are you playing at?"

"I don't know, Steve. Maybe it’s the adrenalin rush of being tortured for fucking weeks that plays on your mind a little, makes you want a fucking nice drink to get rid of it."

"That's enough-"

" _Fuck you, Steve!_ " And with that, Bucky threw his empty glass onto the floor and stormed into the direction of the bathroom, not wanting to be around Steve's hopelessly oblivious do-gooding self righteousness _any longer._ It was empty when he flung the door open, and he felt his heart hammering in his chest as he clutched the sink. Clenching his right fist, he slammed it as hard as he could into the wall right under the mirror, letting out a harsh yell as skin split over his knuckled and blood burst in a splatter across the white wall. Bucky tried to hold his breath to stop the tears pricking at his eyes from falling, but it was hopeless. They spilled down his cheeks and he let out another sound, an anguished moan, as he took his face into his hands. He covered his mouth as he cried, desperate not to let out any sounds, until he struggled for air and choked on a sob which turned into a hard retch. His hair fell into his eyes as he vomited into the sink, throat burning from crying and the sting of alcohol. His eyes were red, and his nose running as the sobs started to wrack his body more violently, in turn making him gag again.

Thankfully no one came into the bathroom as he lost control, saving what little dignity he had left from being torn away from him as it had in the HYDRA base weeks ago. Bucky cried until he was empty, both mentally and physically, before washing his face with water and cleaning the sink.

Oh, Steve. If only you weren't so fucking clueless.

**Author's Note:**

> really this is just a vent drabble so don't take it too seriously


End file.
